This idea
that we have to be good enough for those around us
this idea
that with this little bit of who we are
could never amount to what the world expects of us.
I'm not good enough
Doesn't come from thin air.
It's not a thought manifested from no where...
it's not even really a thought
It's a fact to us.
It's as obviously true as our hair color
it's as obviously felt
as your first crush.
There is no idea of
It gets better
because we don't feel we have the ability to
BE BETTER
Spirals of this
echo throughout my childhood
they echo throughout my failures
they echo throughout all I was unable to accomplish
even if what I had expected of myself was completely ridiculously impossible
My failure to do what I knew
had to be done
killed me a little more every day.
Every day I counted up
that I hadn't seen my mother leave her room
I was the failure to take care of her
Every day I missed school to take care of my siblings
was the failure to care for my own future
Every time my mother made a decision that took food from my siblings mouths
jeopardized the roof over our heads
or their health
was my Failure
to protect these children I've been raising since infancy
and to allow this family to thrive
My brothers and sisters.
Every time I pushed forward
Every time I lied to myself saying "I can do this"
Every day I got through
on sheer will power and numbness
Every time I thought of Suicide
...
.......
was my only victory.
Because every time
My entire being wanted to leave this world...
...every time I had had enough of what my mother and her boyfriend and my father
and the whole blind world put me through...
...Every time I looked at those babies...
my brothers and sister...
...they were my only victory...
I knew for them I was all they had
and even if I wasn't good enough
to take care of them...
...I was all they had.
...and some time being that...
is all you need to be
to make it to tomorrow.
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