Trophy

I've never known a love that did not come with a broken lip,

 and I wore it like a trophy 

every day to remind myself how the heart can be broken

 and still beat as softly as yesterday.

 That heart that I still displayed on my sleeve

 as every time my body was thrown to the ground 

hearts pieces came apart

and

Without hesitation 

savoring every one,

 tucking them into my back pocket

 and handing them out like crumbs to the hungry.

 You see

 I was taught at age 11

 love for me was not necessary,

love for me was worthless,

 but my love for you was priceless,

 my fractured heart

 was all I had to give 

hoping

 it was enough to save you… 

Because I didn't need love to be alive.

mother,

 mother, the one who left us to his mercy

 and you were the best hope for the future,

 you were the ones who could make it out of here,

If I distracted his fury long enough...

 You were the ones that needed my love

and I gave everything I had willingly

 because I knew

 someday

 you may be beaten and broken like me…

 And you’d need every ounce you had

 to keep on loving yourself with enough strength to walk away,

 and when they ask for your story,

I know you will speak of me.

Your big sister…

 Who still names you her best creation, 

the best choice she's ever made.

 You see the war outside is over,

 the breaks and bruises have sunken beneath the flesh

 and etched themselves into the spirit

 and you wonder how

 I still force a smile

and give my everything.

Still today... 

I know I can't be defeated

and I'll tell you

...

 it's because

 deep inside

 I still wears that split lip like a trophy.

Is it living

I've been told that it is not normal to have lived as much as I have at my age.   People tell me this, like I am meant to stay still.

...as if bad things don't usually happen to people...

...as if I'm the only one these things have happened to...

I've been told it's not normal to have

"lived"

as much as I have.

Some look at me as if I'm 26 going on 60

some watch me like I have some sort of disease they're trying to study.

...this is why I don't tell you...

...because my past was once my present...

...and it tried to defeat me then...

...if I made 'then's' 'now' as often as my brain tried to I'd have no will left...

...and tomorrows coming whether I'm ready or not...

Pieces of Me

Sometimes

Lyrics can get to a piece of you

once thought untouchable

like your spleen

So here are some pieces of me

I wanna break every clock, the hands of time could never move again.  We could stay in this moment... for the rest of our lives.  Is it over now hey... hey is it over now?  I wanna be your last first kiss... that you ever have.  I wanna be your last first kiss.  -Inevitable by Anberlin

Oh, lights go down, in the moment we're lost and found.  I just wanna be by your side... if these wings could fly.  Oh, damn these walls.  In the moment we're ten feet tall and how you told me after all we'd remember tonight... for the rest of our lives.  -Wings by Birdy

You say that love is all we need, does that apply to me?  Cuz I have found someone that I think is beautiful and I have fallen in love, SHE... Means everything to me... SHE... makes me feel nothing else matters, not even what this world thinks of me.  -SHE by Jen Foster

I am unwritten, can't read my mind.  I'm undefined.  I'm just beginning the pens in my hand.  Ending unplanned.  Staring at the blank page before you open up the dirty window, let the sun illuminate the words that you can not find.  Reaching for something in the distance.  so close you can almost taste it, release your inhibitions, feel the rain on your skin, no one else can feel it for you.  Only you can let it in.  No one else, no one else can speak the words on your lips.  Drench yourself in words unspoken.  Live your life with arms wide open, today is where your book begins... the rest is still unwritten.  -Unwritten cover by Boyce Avenue Ft. Diamond White

Listen to your god, this is our motto.  Your time to shine, don't wait in line... Y vamos por todo. People are raising their expectations.  Go on and feed them this is your moment, no hesitations.  Today's your day.  I feel it.  You paved the way, believe it.  If you get down get up -oh-oh- When you get down get up -ay-ay- Tsamina mina zangalewa
This time for Africa.  -Waka Waka by Shakira

Ohhhh this wild wild love of ours... it can't be tamed oh...it can't be tamed, no for better or worse.  A blessing or a curse long live this wild wild love... of ours.   -Wild Wild Love by Pitbull Ft G.R.L.

My gift is my song and this ones for you.  And you can tell everybody that this is your song.  and it may be quite simple but.  Now that it's done.  Hope you don't mind.  I hope you don't mind... that I put down in words.  How wonderful life is now your in the world.  - Your Song by Ewan McGregor

We always dreamed about this better life, this better life.  We always felt it coming all along, yeah all along.  We got the keys to open paradise, yeah paradise.  Now lets go walking hand in hand. Come on baby we can hit the lights, make the wrongs turn right, we can smash the club, make the pop go rock, with a love this deep we don't need no sleep and it feels like... we can do this all night.  -All Night by Icona Pop

You could be amazing, you could turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug.  You could be the outcast and be the backlash of somebodies lack of love.  Or you could start speaking up.  Nothings gonna hurt you the way that words do when they settle neath your skin.  Kept on the inside, with no sunlight.  Sometimes that shadows win... but I wonder what would happen if you say what you wanna say.  And let the words fall out.  Honestly.  I wanna see you be brave!  -Brave by Sara Bareilles

 Do you remember under that old tree.  you asked me if you were worth it and I said please, of course you are.  You can have every part of me.  Cuz I know for sure that always be perfect, of course you are, of course you are.  But they say if you love someone enough you've gotta let them go and I'll be feeling out of touch with everything I know, just come home... soon... -Come Home Soon by Hannah Trigwell.  

I....Hear your voice... on the wind... and I.... hear you call out my name.... Listen my child you say to me.  I am the voice of your history.  Be not afraid come follow me.  Answer my call and I'll set you free... I am the voice in the wind and the pouring rain.  I am the voice of your hunger and pain.  I am the voice that always is calling you I am the voice... I will remain.  I am the voice in the fields when the summers gone the dance of the leaves when the autumn winds blow.  Now do sleep through out all the cold winter long, I am the force that in spring time will grow.  I am the voice of the past that will always be filled with my sorrow and blood in my fields.  I am the voice of the fuure.  bring me your peace, bring me your peace and my wounds they will heal.  I am the voice in the wind and the pouring rain.  I am the voice of your hunger of pain.  I am the voice that always is calling you.  I am the voice.  I amt he voice of the past that will always be I am the voice of your hunger and pain.  I am the voice of the future.... I amt he voice.  I am the voice.  I am the voice  I am the voice.  -The Voice by The Celtic Women

Temporal deadzone where clocks are barely breathing. Yet no one cares to notice for all the yelling, all night clamor to hold it together.  I want to play ‒ don't wait ‒ forms in the hideaway  I want to get on with getting on with things I want to run in fields, paint the kitchen, and love someone And I can't do any of that here, can I?  -First train Home by Imogen Heap

The days I can't see you eyes. I don't even want to open mine.  On the days I can't see your smile.  I'd rather sit, wait the while.  For the days I know you'll be near cuz a day with out you it just isn't fair.  See the days I can hear your voice.  I'm left without a choice.  plus I get weak in the knees fall head over heals baby and every other cheesy cliche.  Oh I"m swept off my feet and my heart skips a beat, and there's really only one thing to say.  God damn your beautiful to me.  You're everything.  yeah that's beautiful.   Yes to me... oh... -God Damn You're Beautiful by Chester See

I feel'n further from you every day.  You're in the stars yeah your worlds away.  I'm moving on then I hear you say.  Hold on.  Hold on.  We're losing light yeah we're fading fast.  We had a fire, need a spark or we'll never last.  Look at me I've been burning for you so long. I should walk away oh... I look at you and oh...I get the feeling... oh... I think that I should hold on... hold on... -Hold On by Colbie Caillat

Hold on to me as we go.  As we roll down this unfamiliar road.  Although this wave is stringing us along.  Just know you're not alone.  cuz I'm gonna make this place your home.  Settle down... it'll all be clear.  Don't pay no mind to the deamons they fill you with fear.  trouble they might drag you down, if your lost you can always be found.  Just know yo're not alone.  cuz I'm gonna make this place your home.  -Home by Phillip Phillips

Leave it be...Don't make the same mistakes as me.  Cuz I gave up quickly...to fly like a  bird on the breeze and I fell down swiftly.  Shaking the fruit from the trees tearing holes in the knees of my jeans.  So don't make the same mistakes as me.  Save it please.  Savor sweet simplicity  and you'll rise up gently to float like a bird on the breeze and you'll climb down slowly taking defeat gracefully treading soft on the souls of your feet.  And you won't make the same mistakes... as me.  So lets rise up gently floating like birds on the breeze and we'll take it slowly, over the town and the trees.  and we'll land where the sand meets the sea.  We'll be soft on the souls of our feet... and we won't make the same mistakes as me.   -Same Mistakes by Paper Aeroplane

There once was a someone...

...A very special someone...

I could say you've met them.

I would know it was true.

There once was a someone

...as special as you...

...a bit smaller...

... more curious...

...eyes open wide...

...there once was a someone who lived deep inside...

...they told you to question...

...they told you to try...

...they were the ones that hurt when you cried...

...they jumped when you were scared...

...and skipped outside over joyed...

...and carried your feet to your absolute favorite toy...

...there once was a someone...

...that lived inside you...

...they're still in there...

...waiting...

...they want you to play...

...they wait for your laugh...

...waiting, they sigh...

...watching you let all of your life pass...

....so put down your pen...

and leave all your worries...

...enjoy who you are right now...

LOVE IS A CHOICE

What the heck does that mean?

Well...it's a little complicated.

Love is a choice...

To love is not a choice... Who you love is not a choice... you love who you love ... IF you are open to it.

The world is full of crazy shit, crazy people and crazy expectations but love... love is the center of that which makes us human, the glue that holds our minds together and gives us the innate ability to make sense of what has been handed to us, drives us to what we are desperately yearning to achieve/ accomplish, and holds us back from tearing up those around us who do not live in harmony with our perceptions.   Love is what it is... when it wants, and how it wants and I think that is why we are all so different.  Love and compassion present themselves differently to each of us as we grow and change... It becomes apart of us and as so we "conclude" what this must mean to us and therefore should mean to everyone else.

There are three types of people I see in the world.  They fall into these big categories and each one has people you would never expect to see there... but who they are and what they believe in reliance to life and love are the same.

We have the open lovers.  Those of us who love openly... and allow others to love openly.  They care about anyone.  They believe everyone has value.  If someone needs help, their heart is open to them.  These people are our Diamonds.  They shine so brightly and they attract a lot of people... unfortunately these types of may also be taken advantage of, used, and sometimes even harassed/stalked because others desperately want to be in their loving light.  

Then we have the restricted lovers.   Those who feel love is a gift meant for only those who they have a deep connection with.  They may still care (to some degree) that these other people in the world are alright but their existence and importance is not weighed into their decisions.  These people tend to have a  hard time seeing other peoples point of view... these people hold grudges so deep sometimes that they refuse to help someone who may have wronged them.  (This is in reference to someone who has stepped on their toes one too many times not someone who truly tried to hurt them).  

Lastly we have those who refuse love.  Those who are so completely self involved that they can not see the worth of someone else.  Some times it's someone who has so little love and respect for themselves that they are unable to comprehend or find it in the world around them.  These people I feel are usually transitional.  For one reason or another they are in between either of the first two types and are temporarily lost... however sometimes, people choose to be here.  To love another human being means you must know how to love yourself.  This can be tricky for some of us.

I've seen many people... grow up... seen many others grow old... and by the end... it is obvious that this Love we express and understand... is chosen.

Children are born into this world loving openly.  They are a blank slate...  All they want is compassion, attention, acceptance... this peeks usually around the age of 6.  (In my observations.)  This is where the world begins to weigh on them.  Choices, responsibilities, and self love.  As they grow older... we begin to fit (usually) into the first two categories.  The Open lover is very common in teenagers and young adults these days.  The time I see things begin to shift are between the ages of 24-30.  People begin to get sucked so deeply into our society, the adult responsibilities and expectations to please these people around us many people begin to forget what it's like to think about the world as a whole.. start losing the ability to see other people as whole human beings.

I'd like to say that the cycle ends here.  That some of us lose our way a little bit and then they are fine... but...
thats not the case.  The very common term "Bitter old man/woman" comes to mind.  Usually it's in this stage of life I've noticed a very important change happen.  Peoples perception of their ever changing environment and social norms either push them to reject that which is being built around them, they close part of themselves off and hold on tight to that which they understand even as it shrinks from the world around them, or those who accept the world, it's people including themselves as ever changing and begin to love openly once more.

This choice can be a hard one to make after 40 years of weight on your shoulders... but it is a choice none the less.  Stay open.. stay loving... choose to be happy... and you will find love... or rather... it will find you.

I am not good enough

This idea

that we have to be good enough for those around us

this idea

that with this little bit of who we are

could never amount to what the world expects of us.

I'm not good enough

Doesn't come from thin air.

It's not a thought manifested from no where...

it's not even really a thought

It's a fact to us.

It's as obviously true as our hair color

it's as obviously felt

as your first crush.

There is no idea of

It gets better

because we don't feel we have the ability to 

BE BETTER

Spirals of this

echo throughout my childhood

they echo throughout my failures

they echo throughout all I was unable to accomplish

even if what I had expected of myself was completely ridiculously impossible

My failure to do what I knew

had to be done

killed me a little more every day.

Every day I counted up

that I hadn't seen my mother leave her room

I was the failure to take care of her

Every day I missed school to take care of my siblings

was the failure to care for my own future

Every time my mother made a decision that took food from my siblings mouths

jeopardized the roof over our heads

or their health 

was my Failure

to protect these children I've been raising since infancy

and to allow this family to thrive

My brothers and sisters.

Every time I pushed forward

Every time I lied to myself saying "I can do this"

Every day I got through

on sheer will power and numbness

Every time I thought of Suicide

...

.......

was my only victory.

Because every time

My entire being wanted to leave this world...

...every time I had had enough of what my mother and her boyfriend and my father

and the whole blind world put me through...

...Every time I looked at those babies...

my brothers and sister...

...they were my only victory...

I knew for them I was all they had

and even if I wasn't good enough

to take care of them...

...I was all they had.

...and some time being that...

is all you need to be

to make it to tomorrow.

Called TOO Friendly too many times

I'm gonna let you guys in on something about me that I don't talk about often.  Possibly because it's not a question most people can put into words properly.


I am a very open person.  Immediately, when I meet anyone... I speak to them as if they are my friend.  As if I'd known them for years and we were finally getting to catch up.  I will smile at you if you look at me... I will hug you if you are crying.  If you are upset I will ask what is wrong and I will listen when you speak.   I am open with anyone... who asks for it, who seeks it... who needs it.


    This action I take every day is a choice.  A scary, terrifying choice.  Naturally I am quite shy.  I'm secluded, I watch and wait to see if my presence is wanted.  "Naturally" this is the way I was created, or perhaps formed by experience.  Since childhood I'd always been the 'fat' kid.  The 'slow' kid.  The one who never spoke up in class even when I had the right answer because I was petrified of drawing attention to myself.  I was harassed in school and I suffered silently for far too long.  The fact that I was a lesbian made  life even harder because I had no one to turn to even if I tried.


One day...
         Just one day I decided to find out what was "WRONG" with me.  Why was I alone.  Why did it seem everyone else could make friends so easily.   What was I not doing that everyone else was.  What did they have that I didn't?    I asked my guidance counselor and she told me something that to this day is still relevant in everything I do.

  "You have to want it. 

 You have to choose to be brave sometimes.

  I know you feel alone, but there are so many other people out there who feel exactly like you do.

 Why not be their friend?"

I didn't get it at first of course.  What other people?  I never noticed anyone else like myself before
And... friends just always seemed to be something that happened.  You met someone... you had things in common and boom... friends...

however...
     That's not really not how it works at all.   People make themselves vulnerable to others to have friends.  They risk getting made fun of and harassed and bullied  to share those parts that they were ashamed to admit and more times than not... they had no reason to be ashamed to begin with.

Over the next couple years I'd made a fair few friends.  Some not as nice... Some that I'll never leave...

but one day...
     I was in highschool.  There was this girl I'd never noticed my whole first week.  I was a senior and she was obviously a Freshman.  I had just transferred schools in the middle of my final year so I did what I had always done.  I walked up to her and said hi.  I asked to sit down with her.  She was obviously petrified by my presence but I sat anyways.  At first it was a little hard because she was afraid to talk but I could tell she wanted to so I just kept coming up with things to ask her.   By the end of the hour I'd hadn't seen her smile.  Not once, until the bell rang.  As she was walking away... I called back to her and told her I'd see her tomorrow at lunch.  She finally smiled.  A real smile.  And just like that she tucked it back in her pocket.  Clutched her books to her chest and went to class.  I had creative writing that day and of course this stayed with me... so I wrote about it.  It was in my writing that I realized something.  I had become the person I wished had been there for me those few short years ago.  That person I had been wishing would walk into my bubble and burst it open.  It wasn't until two months later that I found out she had been contemplating suicide before that day.  That because I had forced myself to be open to her... I got uncomfortable and treated her like we'd been friends forever... I'd changed someone.

     I am a shy and scared person by nature...

 and by experience ... 

But I choose to be so much more than that. 

 And if people...

 if more people chose to be this type of person. 

The kind of person to step outside of their comfort zones and just see all the afraid and lonely people surrounding them... 

they'd realize they were never really alone. 

 They were alone around all the other lonely people. 

 Mainly from fear. 

 So if you see me...

 walk up to you and hug you and kiss you on the cheek and ask you how you are.  

Ask you how your day is and just start walking with you...

 know it's because I care about you more than I care about my fear.