Paint it beautiful

Have you ever had a heart so full you felt it could spill over?

 Use its contents to paint the world beautiful again?

 Maybe write it a sentence kinder?

  Like life and wonder can be called from the shallow hole it used to reside to fill entire rooms, blocks, miles!


This kind of love exists.  It lives in every single person's potential.  In the love for their partner... their pet... their plant... their favourite outfit... and most importantly the love they hold for themselves.

Never forget your potentiality.

Paint the world with
all the colours of your soul.

Transform it into beauty
so people may see
what you experience.

I didn't need you to give me reason to live. I didn't need you to know what I was put in this earth to do.  You tried over and over to destroy that which made me shine.  You even kept my breath from me sometimes... But even if I had to die I had already won because no matter how much you could try... I knew... your deepest hatred could never be stronger than the love I held within myself.  Loving is who I am and you can't destroy me... only that which holds me here.

Being in love

BEING IN LOVE

is probably the most amazing thing any of you will

ever experience!

Falling in love and being in love are close to one in the same

but

but but but but but

Being in love!

Even if the relationship

ends

for whatever the reason

If you were really in love with a person

the kind of love

that lasts

the truest kind

that is non conditional

You will know exactly

if you do

...

Have you ever found a song that's exciting

That grips your chest

runs away with your thoughts

makes you want to move

It hard to breath

And the world escapes

while you spin inside yourself

like the beat

and the melody

have run away with you

Being in love is exactly like that

when you're in love with someone

and you love them with everything

every piece

ever sigh

every annoying and amazing thing

they do

When you're actually in love

this will happen

at the most unexpected intervals

The moment

can be fleeting

and sometimes it takes over the night.

This person

runs away with you

stealing all that you are

If you're lucky

and

the other person feels the same thing

What else

is there to do

but to

Dance in each other!

Cherish

every god damn 

amazing, overwhelming, exhausting

and exhilarating

second of it.

LOVE IS A DIFFICULT SUBJECT

...I know I havent stated it here... but just this year I divorced my wife, the love of my life.

No this isn't a sob story... don't worry...

...But it is understanding...

When you love someone so much that when you start the sentence "I love..." and the other persons name so seamlessly falls into place it's constantly like a slap in the face.  I could be going to say I love pizza and her name would fall from my mouth.  It was ingrained in me because I loved her that much.  Love... I still love her. No matter what she did... or how things ended...

...but that of course made me feel like I didn't want to worry about love.  I wasn't sure it was ever going to go away enough to feel the way I felt about her again... but with someone else.  Burying the helpless romantic in myself for nearly a year... and Yes... I am the BIGGEST Romantic!  Sappy Sappy!  Just thinking about it makes me yearn to spoil someone special.  :) ... It happened once more just recently... and I was just done with it!  This automatic reflex was driving me nuts!


...I'm done being sad about this... I'm Done!

Things happen the way they're supposed to, yes?  And this song has my heart jumping for the excitement and love I know I will have again some day!  This song!

http://youtu.be/Lqq5BIjz5hs




                                                         "You're In Love"

Imagine driving down the one lane road
Down by the chapel we could be alone
And with the rain there's nowhere else to go
We'll watch it fall
Don't try and tell me you don't want to see
What it would be like to grow old with me

You're in love every other day
Cause you smile at me like you're dying to say
That your heart beat stops when I'm walking away
So don't walk away
You're in love
Every other day you're in love

Imagine drinking wine in Sicily
And you'll be kissing me on New Year's Eve
Nothing but cobblestone and red brick streets
You'd like the cold
Just tell me what it is that's holding you back
If we get lost we'll follow old train tracks

You're in love every other day
Cause you smile at me like you're dying to say
That your heart beat stops when I'm walking away
So don't walk away
You're in love
You're in love when you're holding me tight
But you're out of love when we're saying goodnight
And you don't know why I make you feel so right
But it feels right
You're in love
Every other day you're in love

Imagine you and me
And how beautiful we could be
Yeah

You're in love every other day
Cause you smile at me like you're dying to say
That your heart beat stops when I'm walking away
So don't walk away
You're in love
You're in love when you're holding me tight
But you're out of love when we're saying goodnight
And you don't know why I make you feel so right
But it feels right
You're in love
But it feels right
You're in love
But it feels right
You're in love

Land Amongst the Stars

So

In my head I've lived a completely different life

than the one that plays before me.

I'm far more ambitious

have way more adventures

that don't end up with me pissing in a street

stone cold drunk.

(Thank You Coyote Ugly)

Money is never a looming anxiety

and friends are always just round the corner.

In my head

I'm me

but better

...and now 

I'm just in need of a way

from point A

to point B

From me

to She

...

This fucking week

Ok how do I begin this...

Hmm...

Firstly. If you know me in the slightest you will undoubtedly have heard the names Rosie and Rose fall from my lips at least twice.   Because A) awesome.  B). ...Awesome... C) British awesome.  D) They came to NY and I got to meet them and a billion other amazing women. E) That's right bitches, I've gotten to E and it's not the last one.  F)  They brought my merch and went on a nice walk with half awake, dirty after work and partying (well ish) me and didn't judge one bit... (To my face.  I'm sure there was quite a judgment. Haha!).  G) I saw pics of them in their wedding dresses and I wanted to cry... But instead tried to act cool and probably insulted them more.   (As I'm writing this I'm beginning to realise what a complete dick I probably was.)   Just to say... Both Rose and Rosie's dresses were absolutely phenomenal!  Rose looked so absolutely sublime!  The dress... The veil... The dress!   I can't even... Its long and flowing!  The train is absolutely gorgeous!!!  And the veil they said goes well into the back is the dress that I couldn't see... Ya know... I just had a thought... I can imagine Rose wearing her converse type shoes under that dress... It would hide them... Comfy... And she could run around.. Because that's what one does in a wedding dress on the day... Run apparently.   Hahaha! And Rosie's dress... It's a fucking princess dress!   PRINCESS!  Do I have to say more?!?   No I don't!  But I'm gonna say it again anyways... A FUCKING P-R-I-N-C-E-S-S  D-R-E-S-S!!!  And the waist piece/beading was SO beautiful!  She says she's getting a matching tiara... I'm just... A fucking tiara!   Anyone hearing this?  Tho I am absolutely not surprised by the tiara business I'm so absolutely excited to see it with the dress!! (If they let me... I may have to wait till they let everyone see actual photos at the wedding but I really want to see now!) 

Ok ok ok moving on...

My point is.   This week has been amazing!  I met some amazing people and had some great adventures!   I met two rediculous and grounded women who have pulled me through some of the toughest times I've had in this era of my life without even knowing it.  Not only did they recognise me but they spent a good 45 minutes with just me walking to an appointment of theirs and were so comfortable to be around ...and Rosie... I noticed something.  Ok at one point in our walk (being that I was intimidated I didn't look at them as much as I should have.  Not gonna lie) at a cross walk Rosie was much closer than I'd thought she was and so when I looked at her I saw her eyes up close.   Like... They caught me.   I've never seen eyes like that.   They were like... Bright swirled green and blue with yellow around the very middle when she had small pupils.  Like... Really.   It was crazy.  And you can't see that on any video or pic I don't think.  Guess I haven't really looked but holy sausage patties!  

Now onto the other fantastic women I've met!   First off I finally ment Claudia in person!   Down to earth... Sense of humor... Easy to tease... Doesn't want to kill me when I poke at her.   Best friend?  ...Oh yeah.   She's def a best friend!  After spending our first 5 hours of getting  lost on trains to New Jersey we then napped and met some other great gals!   First we met was SHORTY!   Petite half red head with an Australian accent (because she's from Australia... Who knew 😉) hanging with Marina!  Tall and fun, with a little bit of wack!   So seriously the best of both worlds teamed up at the gate waiting and having great conversation with us as we waited for the store to open.  Then... We wanted a pic yeah?!   Who doesn't want pics to send to the hostesses via twitter so they know how amazing we are?  Exactly... So shorty went over to another girl who was waiting alone on a bench... And guess who that bitch turned out to be... RAQUEL!  The one and only amazing!  What a fucking sweet heart!  Watch out tho... This softy has bite in her!  Haha!  All of us just glued together... Purchased our purchases... Tickets and more pics.  We met up again at the actual meet and greet like we'd been hanging all week.   Seriously... Instantly attached!   We got ourselves hyped... Then we got others hyped... Vlogged and danced... Waited in anticipation of meeting the two who had brought us together.  That's right... The only Rose and Rosie.  And we did... And it was amazing!   I know I'm going far  into detail but the details what made it unforgettable!  None of this would have been possible without these two women.    

I don't like to fan girl but this week has brought it out in me in the worst way.  If either of you girls read this I want to say thank you from the bottom heart...which has thankfully returned from a crevice in my asshole it fell into when I met these two and back to it's proper place in my left boob.  

Everything this week was fantastic... And then the come down was so bitter sweet. Both Marina and Shory left home... Rose and Rosie left back to England... And here I am typin it all down In hopes I don't forget an damn moment of it.   Now I'm just wondering where my next adventure will come from... Guess I'm about to find out... YOLO.  

~April DeRosier. Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    Aka strwbrrybanama 

P.s.  I really love p.s's.  So here!  

Because Coyote Ugly didn't have good enough bar dancers... These girls undoubtedly killed it!  

The Big Apple... With chips on the side

First impressions are important.

And when I first saw that sky line that extended into infinity I knew

I had fallen in love with a city lost in time.

Somewhere between any semblance of now and then

you can imagine to trace.

All the promised tomorrows

that never became yesterdays,

its as if they all live in this one city

and it's always happening

always right now.

When the sky fell asleep

and the stars hummed a lullaby to the world

the city refused to stop.

It's own excited buzzing

drown out any sense of tired

while it's brilliant light pulls you into it's core.

Visiting or living here, once you hit that high lit

corner

you are all New Yorkers.

No matter what branch of the worlds tree you were shaken from

you landed here

and you belong.

First impressions are important

and I get a new one every night I

experience this ridiculous and crazy ass city.

...just be careful in the Bronx.

My blog spot

so... this isn't so much a submission but just a short message of understanding.

This blog I am using to write what needs getting out of my head.

Most of my time I am a random ball of ridiculousness.

My serious side... 

my deeper ideas and thoughts... 

Things that get me stuck.

Those are the things I put up here... 

The word vomit that's got no where to go.  

Alight?

 ...alright.  

When I'm no longer

I see the world.

It's crazy

and bright.

It follows through on so many promises we

overlook and disregard as deserved

Yet we have the nerve to ask of it more

without thanks.

The sun rises

the water warms

my feet stay to the ground

and the fruits bloom from the trees

The wind moves

into pieces of me

grass softens my walks

and its stones shine with a curiosity

that found it's way into my heart

when I was only a child.

Without it's gifts my soul would have never

have been.

"Diamonds, brilliant

as Bel Air now

Hot summer nights,

mid July

when you and I were forever wild

the crazy days

city lights

the way you'd  play with me like a child"

"Will you still love me when I'm not longer young and beautiful?"

"Will you still love me when I've got nothing but my aching soul?"

(From the perspective of the earth)

~lyrics From Lana Del Rey's "Young and Beautiful"

Happiness?

Someone has asked me to write on 

HAPPINESS

Happiness is really only relevant to the person experiencing it.

Seeing as I have never written of something on someone elses mind... here goes.

Trees and flowers

Dances and the stillness

The ever shortening summer glow beginning to fall beneath the distance

 And newly exhaled wind

softly danceing through my hair.

Smiling at a stranger and leaving with a new friend.

The taste of Strawberries. 

the scent of the earth after a storm.

The terrifying excitement to the oncome

of rolling clouds

and

that first chip from a newly opened bag of Doritos. 

It's the sound of her opening the door when she comes home after being away

and 

all other perception stops.

The world ceases to exist for that one moment

and I'm almost able to believe

that if I could sit on this one moment

just maybe

I could live in it forever.

This

Is my

Happiness

It.. is never something you will find

so long as your looking for it.

Because happiness is not a thing.

you can't own happiness

it's not in some cereal box.

and no one can give it to you

Like a present for your birthday. 

Happiness 

is a perception of experience

Simple

Perception is dictated by past experiences, core values and

sometimes

social pressures

Experience

...well...

experiences only happen to those who

are open to them.

So what I'm really saying is

happiness

is only ever KNOWN

by people willing to expand their perceptions

by risking experiences

that may or may not turn

into perceived happiness. 

So tell me... 

How open are you

To experiencing

Your happiness?

~for Sara

Project Me

Obsessions

Life is full

always running so quickly by

as if dawn and dusk were one event

black to purple, blue to orange, and red to black

before I know it I'm back in my bed with 

the few minutes I have to spare 

Same routine

same fixations

because deviation

could only mean I may not get to sleep tonight

a change in my direction

might mean I need to understand the entire new relativity

to variations of a string theory

I never would have come across

if I just stayed to

the plan.

a throbbing compulsion

a pounding affliction

each new thought lighting up my room like a flicker from my ceiling bulb

questions, questions questions 

bouncing around inside my head as if it were empty

before tonight

and my body is aching to overflow

restlessly staring hour upon hour.

I need to understand 

lest I wish to lay here in bed going over

the questions

pondering, wondering, repeating

what if, how is, when, why, how for, 

it's always so long...

So loud...

obsessions

This

...

Was never a problem before her.

I've loved so deeply once

and I gave it everything I had in me

for 9 years

I proved it to her

for 9 years

I fell asleep to the sound of her voice

the memory of her kiss

and the warm embrace

we shared

my routine

I can remember waking up to her sleep giggles

I wouldn't wonder or hope,

I knew I was the one

making her lips curl

into a smile

and her voice to subtly bounce

I knew

 her

better than I knew myself

The sweet taste of graham crackers on her kiss

the subtle scent of her

that always drew me to her neck

the way that same small piece of hair always escaped her

when she put her it up

With ten million freckles

we'd created constellations down her arms

like we could map the universe across her body

and the depth of existence

could never be deeper than the look she had in her eyes

when I was being a ridiculous

and she found it beautiful.

when the world made sense

I never questioned anything

and now that she's gone

I can't stop questioning everything.

Trophy

I've never known a love that did not come with a broken lip,

 and I wore it like a trophy 

every day to remind myself how the heart can be broken

 and still beat as softly as yesterday.

 That heart that I still displayed on my sleeve

 as every time my body was thrown to the ground 

hearts pieces came apart

and

Without hesitation 

savoring every one,

 tucking them into my back pocket

 and handing them out like crumbs to the hungry.

 You see

 I was taught at age 11

 love for me was not necessary,

love for me was worthless,

 but my love for you was priceless,

 my fractured heart

 was all I had to give 

hoping

 it was enough to save you… 

Because I didn't need love to be alive.

mother,

 mother, the one who left us to his mercy

 and you were the best hope for the future,

 you were the ones who could make it out of here,

If I distracted his fury long enough...

 You were the ones that needed my love

and I gave everything I had willingly

 because I knew

 someday

 you may be beaten and broken like me…

 And you’d need every ounce you had

 to keep on loving yourself with enough strength to walk away,

 and when they ask for your story,

I know you will speak of me.

Your big sister…

 Who still names you her best creation, 

the best choice she's ever made.

 You see the war outside is over,

 the breaks and bruises have sunken beneath the flesh

 and etched themselves into the spirit

 and you wonder how

 I still force a smile

and give my everything.

Still today... 

I know I can't be defeated

and I'll tell you

...

 it's because

 deep inside

 I still wears that split lip like a trophy.

Is it living

I've been told that it is not normal to have lived as much as I have at my age.   People tell me this, like I am meant to stay still.

...as if bad things don't usually happen to people...

...as if I'm the only one these things have happened to...

I've been told it's not normal to have

"lived"

as much as I have.

Some look at me as if I'm 26 going on 60

some watch me like I have some sort of disease they're trying to study.

...this is why I don't tell you...

...because my past was once my present...

...and it tried to defeat me then...

...if I made 'then's' 'now' as often as my brain tried to I'd have no will left...

...and tomorrows coming whether I'm ready or not...

Pieces of Me

Sometimes

Lyrics can get to a piece of you

once thought untouchable

like your spleen

So here are some pieces of me

I wanna break every clock, the hands of time could never move again.  We could stay in this moment... for the rest of our lives.  Is it over now hey... hey is it over now?  I wanna be your last first kiss... that you ever have.  I wanna be your last first kiss.  -Inevitable by Anberlin

Oh, lights go down, in the moment we're lost and found.  I just wanna be by your side... if these wings could fly.  Oh, damn these walls.  In the moment we're ten feet tall and how you told me after all we'd remember tonight... for the rest of our lives.  -Wings by Birdy

You say that love is all we need, does that apply to me?  Cuz I have found someone that I think is beautiful and I have fallen in love, SHE... Means everything to me... SHE... makes me feel nothing else matters, not even what this world thinks of me.  -SHE by Jen Foster

I am unwritten, can't read my mind.  I'm undefined.  I'm just beginning the pens in my hand.  Ending unplanned.  Staring at the blank page before you open up the dirty window, let the sun illuminate the words that you can not find.  Reaching for something in the distance.  so close you can almost taste it, release your inhibitions, feel the rain on your skin, no one else can feel it for you.  Only you can let it in.  No one else, no one else can speak the words on your lips.  Drench yourself in words unspoken.  Live your life with arms wide open, today is where your book begins... the rest is still unwritten.  -Unwritten cover by Boyce Avenue Ft. Diamond White

Listen to your god, this is our motto.  Your time to shine, don't wait in line... Y vamos por todo. People are raising their expectations.  Go on and feed them this is your moment, no hesitations.  Today's your day.  I feel it.  You paved the way, believe it.  If you get down get up -oh-oh- When you get down get up -ay-ay- Tsamina mina zangalewa
This time for Africa.  -Waka Waka by Shakira

Ohhhh this wild wild love of ours... it can't be tamed oh...it can't be tamed, no for better or worse.  A blessing or a curse long live this wild wild love... of ours.   -Wild Wild Love by Pitbull Ft G.R.L.

My gift is my song and this ones for you.  And you can tell everybody that this is your song.  and it may be quite simple but.  Now that it's done.  Hope you don't mind.  I hope you don't mind... that I put down in words.  How wonderful life is now your in the world.  - Your Song by Ewan McGregor

We always dreamed about this better life, this better life.  We always felt it coming all along, yeah all along.  We got the keys to open paradise, yeah paradise.  Now lets go walking hand in hand. Come on baby we can hit the lights, make the wrongs turn right, we can smash the club, make the pop go rock, with a love this deep we don't need no sleep and it feels like... we can do this all night.  -All Night by Icona Pop

You could be amazing, you could turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug.  You could be the outcast and be the backlash of somebodies lack of love.  Or you could start speaking up.  Nothings gonna hurt you the way that words do when they settle neath your skin.  Kept on the inside, with no sunlight.  Sometimes that shadows win... but I wonder what would happen if you say what you wanna say.  And let the words fall out.  Honestly.  I wanna see you be brave!  -Brave by Sara Bareilles

 Do you remember under that old tree.  you asked me if you were worth it and I said please, of course you are.  You can have every part of me.  Cuz I know for sure that always be perfect, of course you are, of course you are.  But they say if you love someone enough you've gotta let them go and I'll be feeling out of touch with everything I know, just come home... soon... -Come Home Soon by Hannah Trigwell.  

I....Hear your voice... on the wind... and I.... hear you call out my name.... Listen my child you say to me.  I am the voice of your history.  Be not afraid come follow me.  Answer my call and I'll set you free... I am the voice in the wind and the pouring rain.  I am the voice of your hunger and pain.  I am the voice that always is calling you I am the voice... I will remain.  I am the voice in the fields when the summers gone the dance of the leaves when the autumn winds blow.  Now do sleep through out all the cold winter long, I am the force that in spring time will grow.  I am the voice of the past that will always be filled with my sorrow and blood in my fields.  I am the voice of the fuure.  bring me your peace, bring me your peace and my wounds they will heal.  I am the voice in the wind and the pouring rain.  I am the voice of your hunger of pain.  I am the voice that always is calling you.  I am the voice.  I amt he voice of the past that will always be I am the voice of your hunger and pain.  I am the voice of the future.... I amt he voice.  I am the voice.  I am the voice  I am the voice.  -The Voice by The Celtic Women

Temporal deadzone where clocks are barely breathing. Yet no one cares to notice for all the yelling, all night clamor to hold it together.  I want to play ‒ don't wait ‒ forms in the hideaway  I want to get on with getting on with things I want to run in fields, paint the kitchen, and love someone And I can't do any of that here, can I?  -First train Home by Imogen Heap

The days I can't see you eyes. I don't even want to open mine.  On the days I can't see your smile.  I'd rather sit, wait the while.  For the days I know you'll be near cuz a day with out you it just isn't fair.  See the days I can hear your voice.  I'm left without a choice.  plus I get weak in the knees fall head over heals baby and every other cheesy cliche.  Oh I"m swept off my feet and my heart skips a beat, and there's really only one thing to say.  God damn your beautiful to me.  You're everything.  yeah that's beautiful.   Yes to me... oh... -God Damn You're Beautiful by Chester See

I feel'n further from you every day.  You're in the stars yeah your worlds away.  I'm moving on then I hear you say.  Hold on.  Hold on.  We're losing light yeah we're fading fast.  We had a fire, need a spark or we'll never last.  Look at me I've been burning for you so long. I should walk away oh... I look at you and oh...I get the feeling... oh... I think that I should hold on... hold on... -Hold On by Colbie Caillat

Hold on to me as we go.  As we roll down this unfamiliar road.  Although this wave is stringing us along.  Just know you're not alone.  cuz I'm gonna make this place your home.  Settle down... it'll all be clear.  Don't pay no mind to the deamons they fill you with fear.  trouble they might drag you down, if your lost you can always be found.  Just know yo're not alone.  cuz I'm gonna make this place your home.  -Home by Phillip Phillips

Leave it be...Don't make the same mistakes as me.  Cuz I gave up quickly...to fly like a  bird on the breeze and I fell down swiftly.  Shaking the fruit from the trees tearing holes in the knees of my jeans.  So don't make the same mistakes as me.  Save it please.  Savor sweet simplicity  and you'll rise up gently to float like a bird on the breeze and you'll climb down slowly taking defeat gracefully treading soft on the souls of your feet.  And you won't make the same mistakes... as me.  So lets rise up gently floating like birds on the breeze and we'll take it slowly, over the town and the trees.  and we'll land where the sand meets the sea.  We'll be soft on the souls of our feet... and we won't make the same mistakes as me.   -Same Mistakes by Paper Aeroplane

There once was a someone...

...A very special someone...

I could say you've met them.

I would know it was true.

There once was a someone

...as special as you...

...a bit smaller...

... more curious...

...eyes open wide...

...there once was a someone who lived deep inside...

...they told you to question...

...they told you to try...

...they were the ones that hurt when you cried...

...they jumped when you were scared...

...and skipped outside over joyed...

...and carried your feet to your absolute favorite toy...

...there once was a someone...

...that lived inside you...

...they're still in there...

...waiting...

...they want you to play...

...they wait for your laugh...

...waiting, they sigh...

...watching you let all of your life pass...

....so put down your pen...

and leave all your worries...

...enjoy who you are right now...

LOVE IS A CHOICE

What the heck does that mean?

Well...it's a little complicated.

Love is a choice...

To love is not a choice... Who you love is not a choice... you love who you love ... IF you are open to it.

The world is full of crazy shit, crazy people and crazy expectations but love... love is the center of that which makes us human, the glue that holds our minds together and gives us the innate ability to make sense of what has been handed to us, drives us to what we are desperately yearning to achieve/ accomplish, and holds us back from tearing up those around us who do not live in harmony with our perceptions.   Love is what it is... when it wants, and how it wants and I think that is why we are all so different.  Love and compassion present themselves differently to each of us as we grow and change... It becomes apart of us and as so we "conclude" what this must mean to us and therefore should mean to everyone else.

There are three types of people I see in the world.  They fall into these big categories and each one has people you would never expect to see there... but who they are and what they believe in reliance to life and love are the same.

We have the open lovers.  Those of us who love openly... and allow others to love openly.  They care about anyone.  They believe everyone has value.  If someone needs help, their heart is open to them.  These people are our Diamonds.  They shine so brightly and they attract a lot of people... unfortunately these types of may also be taken advantage of, used, and sometimes even harassed/stalked because others desperately want to be in their loving light.  

Then we have the restricted lovers.   Those who feel love is a gift meant for only those who they have a deep connection with.  They may still care (to some degree) that these other people in the world are alright but their existence and importance is not weighed into their decisions.  These people tend to have a  hard time seeing other peoples point of view... these people hold grudges so deep sometimes that they refuse to help someone who may have wronged them.  (This is in reference to someone who has stepped on their toes one too many times not someone who truly tried to hurt them).  

Lastly we have those who refuse love.  Those who are so completely self involved that they can not see the worth of someone else.  Some times it's someone who has so little love and respect for themselves that they are unable to comprehend or find it in the world around them.  These people I feel are usually transitional.  For one reason or another they are in between either of the first two types and are temporarily lost... however sometimes, people choose to be here.  To love another human being means you must know how to love yourself.  This can be tricky for some of us.

I've seen many people... grow up... seen many others grow old... and by the end... it is obvious that this Love we express and understand... is chosen.

Children are born into this world loving openly.  They are a blank slate...  All they want is compassion, attention, acceptance... this peeks usually around the age of 6.  (In my observations.)  This is where the world begins to weigh on them.  Choices, responsibilities, and self love.  As they grow older... we begin to fit (usually) into the first two categories.  The Open lover is very common in teenagers and young adults these days.  The time I see things begin to shift are between the ages of 24-30.  People begin to get sucked so deeply into our society, the adult responsibilities and expectations to please these people around us many people begin to forget what it's like to think about the world as a whole.. start losing the ability to see other people as whole human beings.

I'd like to say that the cycle ends here.  That some of us lose our way a little bit and then they are fine... but...
thats not the case.  The very common term "Bitter old man/woman" comes to mind.  Usually it's in this stage of life I've noticed a very important change happen.  Peoples perception of their ever changing environment and social norms either push them to reject that which is being built around them, they close part of themselves off and hold on tight to that which they understand even as it shrinks from the world around them, or those who accept the world, it's people including themselves as ever changing and begin to love openly once more.

This choice can be a hard one to make after 40 years of weight on your shoulders... but it is a choice none the less.  Stay open.. stay loving... choose to be happy... and you will find love... or rather... it will find you.

I am not good enough

This idea

that we have to be good enough for those around us

this idea

that with this little bit of who we are

could never amount to what the world expects of us.

I'm not good enough

Doesn't come from thin air.

It's not a thought manifested from no where...

it's not even really a thought

It's a fact to us.

It's as obviously true as our hair color

it's as obviously felt

as your first crush.

There is no idea of

It gets better

because we don't feel we have the ability to 

BE BETTER

Spirals of this

echo throughout my childhood

they echo throughout my failures

they echo throughout all I was unable to accomplish

even if what I had expected of myself was completely ridiculously impossible

My failure to do what I knew

had to be done

killed me a little more every day.

Every day I counted up

that I hadn't seen my mother leave her room

I was the failure to take care of her

Every day I missed school to take care of my siblings

was the failure to care for my own future

Every time my mother made a decision that took food from my siblings mouths

jeopardized the roof over our heads

or their health 

was my Failure

to protect these children I've been raising since infancy

and to allow this family to thrive

My brothers and sisters.

Every time I pushed forward

Every time I lied to myself saying "I can do this"

Every day I got through

on sheer will power and numbness

Every time I thought of Suicide

...

.......

was my only victory.

Because every time

My entire being wanted to leave this world...

...every time I had had enough of what my mother and her boyfriend and my father

and the whole blind world put me through...

...Every time I looked at those babies...

my brothers and sister...

...they were my only victory...

I knew for them I was all they had

and even if I wasn't good enough

to take care of them...

...I was all they had.

...and some time being that...

is all you need to be

to make it to tomorrow.

Called TOO Friendly too many times

I'm gonna let you guys in on something about me that I don't talk about often.  Possibly because it's not a question most people can put into words properly.


I am a very open person.  Immediately, when I meet anyone... I speak to them as if they are my friend.  As if I'd known them for years and we were finally getting to catch up.  I will smile at you if you look at me... I will hug you if you are crying.  If you are upset I will ask what is wrong and I will listen when you speak.   I am open with anyone... who asks for it, who seeks it... who needs it.


    This action I take every day is a choice.  A scary, terrifying choice.  Naturally I am quite shy.  I'm secluded, I watch and wait to see if my presence is wanted.  "Naturally" this is the way I was created, or perhaps formed by experience.  Since childhood I'd always been the 'fat' kid.  The 'slow' kid.  The one who never spoke up in class even when I had the right answer because I was petrified of drawing attention to myself.  I was harassed in school and I suffered silently for far too long.  The fact that I was a lesbian made  life even harder because I had no one to turn to even if I tried.


One day...
         Just one day I decided to find out what was "WRONG" with me.  Why was I alone.  Why did it seem everyone else could make friends so easily.   What was I not doing that everyone else was.  What did they have that I didn't?    I asked my guidance counselor and she told me something that to this day is still relevant in everything I do.

  "You have to want it. 

 You have to choose to be brave sometimes.

  I know you feel alone, but there are so many other people out there who feel exactly like you do.

 Why not be their friend?"

I didn't get it at first of course.  What other people?  I never noticed anyone else like myself before
And... friends just always seemed to be something that happened.  You met someone... you had things in common and boom... friends...

however...
     That's not really not how it works at all.   People make themselves vulnerable to others to have friends.  They risk getting made fun of and harassed and bullied  to share those parts that they were ashamed to admit and more times than not... they had no reason to be ashamed to begin with.

Over the next couple years I'd made a fair few friends.  Some not as nice... Some that I'll never leave...

but one day...
     I was in highschool.  There was this girl I'd never noticed my whole first week.  I was a senior and she was obviously a Freshman.  I had just transferred schools in the middle of my final year so I did what I had always done.  I walked up to her and said hi.  I asked to sit down with her.  She was obviously petrified by my presence but I sat anyways.  At first it was a little hard because she was afraid to talk but I could tell she wanted to so I just kept coming up with things to ask her.   By the end of the hour I'd hadn't seen her smile.  Not once, until the bell rang.  As she was walking away... I called back to her and told her I'd see her tomorrow at lunch.  She finally smiled.  A real smile.  And just like that she tucked it back in her pocket.  Clutched her books to her chest and went to class.  I had creative writing that day and of course this stayed with me... so I wrote about it.  It was in my writing that I realized something.  I had become the person I wished had been there for me those few short years ago.  That person I had been wishing would walk into my bubble and burst it open.  It wasn't until two months later that I found out she had been contemplating suicide before that day.  That because I had forced myself to be open to her... I got uncomfortable and treated her like we'd been friends forever... I'd changed someone.

     I am a shy and scared person by nature...

 and by experience ... 

But I choose to be so much more than that. 

 And if people...

 if more people chose to be this type of person. 

The kind of person to step outside of their comfort zones and just see all the afraid and lonely people surrounding them... 

they'd realize they were never really alone. 

 They were alone around all the other lonely people. 

 Mainly from fear. 

 So if you see me...

 walk up to you and hug you and kiss you on the cheek and ask you how you are.  

Ask you how your day is and just start walking with you...

 know it's because I care about you more than I care about my fear.

Love is...

What is love?  How can you tell it's real?  Where can I find it?  These questions have been ingrained into my being since before I can think to remember.  Since before I understood that time is racing, erasing and changing me.  Affection, attention, closeness.  I always thought those things were love... or that they were basis for it. 

 What is love to me?

  Is it in the way she touches my hand?  Possibly in the sensation that travels down my spine when her lips hit my neck.  Perhaps when her breath crosses my ear...  How about when our eyes meet... when she looks straight through my walls and somehow has the ability to melt them with a laugh I can completely resist to utter even as it falls from my lips... the way I can see her heart skips a beat when I surprise her...

 Let me think on this another way..

. is it how she knows just what to say to get under my skin?   Her ability to use those same love filled eyes and cause my body to shiver with fear.   Her ability to make me so uncomfortably vulnerable that to be any other way but open would make me feel as if I were lying to myself.  Or mayhaps her ability to completely drain me of all my sanity....

None of this... Is love.

Love is the breath of our soul
It's not an experience, or a feeling, or an act
all of these things come from loves existence.

There are no words for love...
How could any word dig deep enough
 to where love truly resides?
No word ever gets to where this part of me lives

...unless...

it's from her.
From her love for me.
And with this my soul breaths it back into her.
Only from love to love... does love grow,
does the soul expand and begin to take over your whole life.

Call it Chemistry... call it Soul Mates

It doesn't matter

What does matter is
 that 'Love is'...
...

And that's something it always will be.

Bi-Shaming is a Crime Against Love

Welcome all you Lesbian, Gay, Transgender, Straight, (whatever you may want to call yourself) people out there.

I wanted to bring up a subject that I've heard a lot about recently.  Some people have very strong opinions about the subject of Bisexuals and there are a lot of assumptions standing in the way of seeing what Bisexuality really is. It doesn't matter what label you feel comfortable giving yourself because in the end we are all just a shit ton of labels.


First is the question: What is Bisexuality? The answer is in the fucking title. A person who is a Bisexual falls in love with either gender. Does that mean they have to like both boys and girls exactly to the same extent... absolutely not!  It means that a specific person is attracted to select people of both genders.  I think people need to stop thinking of Bisexual, Lesbian/gay, and Straight in such narrow terms. Really it's more of a sliding grey scale.   This should help all you poor confused label eaters.

                                                                      Bisexual
Super Straight 1---------------------5------------------- 10 Super Gay



Here's your new scale. Don't mind the numbers, they just help to understand better. I am a lesbian. However, am I a 10. No. I'm more like a 9.8. But... wait... doesn't that make me a bisexual?

FUCK NO!

This makes me a lesbian with a one in a TRILLION chance of randomly finding a guy I fancy and have romantic feelings for. I am pretty exclusively attracted to women. There has been one man in my entire life that I've had sexual feelings for and that did not equal to romantic feelings. It's never happened again!

This scale shows that the closer to the center you are the more obvious these feelings for both sexes becomes.  I feel that the people who are closer to a specific side can & have developed preferences (based on experiences) allowing them to lean more towards the same or opposite sex.  (And yes, some of these experiences are pressure, and stereotype based.)

These people in the middle are our beloved bisexuals! Those people who openly admit to who they have feelings for and don't let social pressure stop them from loving and being happy!

So... Back to the actual topic at hand... BI-SHAMING!
and all it's shitty shit!

OK.  Now in a world becoming more and more open to it's people and who they are, why are we (THOSE SAME PEOPLE FIGHTING TO BE UNDERSTOOD) stepping on people similar to ourselves?  I really think this comes from all of the assumptions, misconceptions and the few people we've all run into who are just slutty sluts!  The idea that a bisexual sleeps around comes from the idea that because they are attracted to both sides they must be attracted to twice as many people.  With that much opportunity they would (theoretically) have more people they'd want to sleep with.  But this idea is a flawed one.  We perceive it this way because of the amountof people we are attracted to.  WE assume this is normal and with the idea that we are looking for (either a man or a woman) this relates to a gender.  So this % gets confused with a specific gender.  So lets just say (even if only slightly) I'm physically attracted to 10% of the women I come across.  ... but then I think of a bisexual person and add the second gender... an easy assumption would be 10% of women and 10% of men... let me do math ( dada do la lada bo da) ok simplifying it... it goes from 10% attraction to all people for straight and lesbian/gay to 20% for Bisexuals.  This... is an extremely flawed assumption and just as offensive as someone assuming that because I'm a lesbian I am attracted to all women.  It's absurd and we need to stop treating eachother like this.

I also hate the assumption that because a person is bisexual that they are will get tired of one gender and leave the person they're with because they're missing dick... or something along those lines.  This continues the stereotypes that bisexuals are promiscuous and slutty fucks who don't give a shit about the people they are with... just whats between their legs.  

(A great example of a  true to herself bisexual is Rosie Spaughton.  Look this babe up on Youtube.
When it comes to love, it doesn't matter who Rosie COULD be attracted to

because she's IN LOVE with Rose!
and that's the only thing she cares about.)

For your convenience I am going to make a list
of some crap that needs to change.

1. Bisexuals being thought of as Slutty Mc Slut faces.


2. Assuming bisexuals are confused.


3. Insisting bisexuals will get bored with your genitals and leave you for the opposite sex.


4. Negating the fact that bisexuals not only exist but actually can fall fully in love with ONE person.


5. Fathoming that bisexuals will fall in love with anyone and everyone.


6. Forgetting that this group of people are part of our world and they (just like anyone else) want to find their soul-mate!

Do you know what bisexuals want you to know?
That while they don't care what hangs out between your legs
they DO care what you Allow to hang out between your years
(in your brain!)
And so do I.